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Writer's pictureClement Djaja

Parenting is Tough!

Updated: Aug 11, 2021



A huge benefit of lockdown for me is that I get to spend a lot more time with my twelve-year-old son. He is home schooling and since I am working from home, I get to spend the whole day with him. Sometimes when I am not seeing a client I would work next to him while he does his zoom classes and this gives me much joy.


Two days ago he had a Philosophy class and they talked about Intention/Motive. The teacher broke the class into smaller groups so that the kids could discuss this. While my son was discussing this with his small group, I got more and more impatient with the discussion, especially with my son’s answers. I felt like he hasn’t given the subject much thought.


My son would say something, and I would mutter under my breath, “no, no, that’s wrong” to the point that my exasperated son said, “Papa, please let me do my class!” At which point I stood up with a huff and puff, took my laptop and said “fine” and went to another room.


After enough time licking my wounds, I started thinking about it. Why was I triggered by the situation? Why was I upset that my son said the wrong answers? My initial thought was “well, I want my son to know the right answer!”, “I don’t want him to look stupid in front of his classmates”, etc. Then I thought about it further… it’s a philosophy class for Christ sake, it’s a class that teaches how to think. So the discussions are more important than whatever the conclusions are.


Then I thought about it some more, I realised that I was annoyed because he wasn’t doing what I wanted. He wasn’t answering how I wanted him to answer. It felt like he was making himself look bad in front of the other kids. Surely, it’s OK to be annoyed because I’m only wanting what’s best for him, right?


There is a term in our lingo called Dignity of Risk.


It is the idea that self-determination and the right to take reasonable risks are essential for the growth of dignity and self-esteem and so should not be impeded by excessively cautious caregivers (that's me!)

When we do not allow our children to experience making their own mistakes and to learn from it, we are stifling them from growing resilience that can only come from experiencing the pain of failing. We are also stifling them from learning to be creative to come up with their own answers. So that’s my parenting fail du jour. But hang on… I thought of something else…


There were a lot of “I”s in the justifications I came up with. “I want my son to have the right answers!”, “I don’t want him to look stupid in front of his classmates”. Then it hit me!

It's all about me!

Don’t tell me that I’m one of those parents who try to make themselves feel better by living their lives through their children! I’ve become that tennis star's dad who slapped her for losing! OK, maybe I'm not that bad, but still, it is a double fault for me (bad pun intended).


And that is what parenting is like. When you think you are doing well, life throws something at you that reminds you that you need to improve further. And you better do, otherwise the consequences can be damaging and worse, long term. The number of clients I’ve had whose problems started with how their parents failed them in one way or another is many.


I apologised to him afterwards. I told him that I have no right to butt in during his classes. He graciously accepted my apology, pretty good for a twelve-year-old. I probably have something to do with that 😊


The next day as I was driving him to his mum, I opened up the philosophical discussion again. And this time we went back and forth with our ideas. And he learnt something from me. But I learnt a lot more from him. And that was a great day for me.


Take care!

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